Yeah... little updates....Change of Music and background again...

I spend Christmas with him!! Yippy.... I'm Happy... At least not like what i felt earlier when i said this year christmas will be a blue one... we catch Australia.... Long Movie 3 hours plus show.... after that i gave the pressie i made for him, i can't feel if he likes it anot but i hope he likes it... of cos after heard what his ex's had prepare for him i am no one to compare with. Perhaps i can say each and individual likes. anyway forget abt that not forgetting him reminded me not to feel upset or anything. yada yada............ Went back during noon and was starting feeling unwell... sigh..

And yes i was sick... i was down with high fever then on medical leave for 2 days..... during the period of time, i've assorted kinds of feeling and emotions. I had nightmares too... it's a real tortured feeling for me =( i even had the mind set of letting go of everything..... Have this ever happened before in u? Like when u are feeling so sick and yet you don't feel like letting your love one knows about it, yet at the same time you wish him by your side to care abt you to take care of you... I'm so sick till i can't moved out from my bed, but just to take medicine and slp continously. Felt like i am dying! it's been so long since i fall sick this way. I cannot imagine if i just go off.... which i even wished i could to be frank. =( I hate myself alot. I hate myself for not walking out from my past completely and having so many nonsense feeling, insecureness,low self esteem, no confidence,forgetting how to trust my partner, or is it i am not able to feel the love from my partner to let me imaginations run wild again? i seriously don't know!! I'm feeling very vexed. The feeling is like i am being locked in a dark room calling for help from outside and yet i can't be heard by anyone to come to my rescue. I'm so scare. I feel like i am like the little child again. Why am i behaving like this? Ain't me the very strong gal always? =~( I'm feeling very pain.... Is it really so hard to fall in Love again? What's wrong with me?? Is there a someone who can be understanding and can go thru with what i am going thru to able to be strong and trust love again? Will there be the someone who really have the patience in me with my nonsenses? Will there be the someone who's really willing to exchange love with me? If i am willing to step out and change for the better for everything, will you be the one who gives me your full support and work it out together with me ? Will there really be the one there? Yes i know you are there, but these questions kept coming into my mind, i wondered how long will this last.... yes ppl who's reading this must be scolding me silly and crappy but seriously this is what i wanted to say in my heart,mind and soul....

Today had a family outing with cousins and i see the difference after so long we last met and gathered together, everyone has grown up and so we talk about love, i really think i m up to no good to share anything about love to them. atleast they know what they are persusing in love but what about me? question marks everywhere in my head. i can advise them about love why can't i do the same to myself. if i do the same to myself will my partner be happy i am sure he will not be cos i am having doubts and could be nonsense to him again. Perhaps i've fallen for a guy and yet i thought i understand him for who he is and yet actually i didn't understand him at all... I'm missing you and really i am missing you which i can't tell why am i missing you so much......